The Biscuit: Pros, Cons, and Absurdities

The Biscuit coffee shop on the corner of Washington and Beacon Streets in Somerville is one of my favorite cafes to spend time in. They have killer baked goods- always fresh-, excellent coffee drinks and really groovy music. In fact, I would almost venture to say they are a 10- nah, nobody is really a 10- okay, they are almost a 9.5 when 1 is intolerable and 10 perfection, but if I could magically take over the place and make some improvements, these are a few things I would change:

But We Don't Use the Yellow Pages Anymore

Every year, around the same time, I receive 2 gigantic, thousand-pages long, phone books on my front door step. Yellow Pages and White Pages. Then, within a week, I receive 2 more. Since I have been a regular adapter of technology since 1996 or so, I prefer to use the internet or my Smartphone to research phone numbers of businesses and individuals. I don't think I need to get into the numerous reasons why the internet is superior to a physical phone book for these things.

So usually when receiving these books of wasted paper I just put them inside somewhere and forget about them until they build up over the years and take up too much space. I have absolutely no use for them, but I always feel bad just throwing them out before they've at least had the chance to collect a layer of dust.

But the last time around when the books were delivered, I noticed that I was nowhere near the only person who found them unnecessary and unwanted. Probably about half of the houses in my neighborhood had their delivered books sitting untouched where they had originally been dropped off on the porch for up to 2 months after they were received.

Rite Aid Got Smileyed!

Rite Aid Store #10161, located on Somerville Avenue in Somerville, MA is a great retail pharmacy and drug store, with a great selection of merchandise, and consistently great discounts.

This is great.

What is not, is that I noticed over a 2 years span of time that the refrigerated drink coolers, plain and simply, reeked. Like rotting milk.

So I sent Rite Aid a Smiley to alert them.

Disturbing Fire Safety Poster

Here's an *official Fire Safety Poster put out by the U.S. Fire Administration. It depicts an infant standing inside of her crib, which is only half intact. The other half of it is burnt to crisps. The tagline reads, "Love alone didn't save her." You have to read below the photograph for the conclusion: "Practicing fire safety did." I find it morbid to the point of amusement. *As you can see from the photo below, which I have uploaded from my personal collection of unintentionally humorous marketing materials, I have chopped off the lower half third of the poster to better pack the punch of this advertising hilarity.

See the African American version of this fire safety poster.

Dancers Not Treated With Performance Enhancing Hormones

Here's an old promo flier for an URBANITY Dance Project performance at the Boston University Dance Theater.



The footnote on lower left that you may or may not be able to read clearly in your browser says the following: "DANCERS NOT TREATED WITH PERFORMANCE ENHANCING HORMONES"

To which immediately I think,
That's nice, but why then is her pregnant belly so grotesquely deformed?

(Attention, Photo Editors, Hello?!)

So Close It Makes Your Pulse Race

As if clowns were not scary enough on their own, Big Apple Circus introduces four-legged cross dressed clown doing a disco dancing move on their promotional fliers.

Something about this man or woman disturbs me. I am not sure if it is his/her striking resemblance to Mrs. Doubtfire (whom despite his role as super nanny still does not cease to frighten me) or his/her old fashioned britches (see: underwear) that are falling to the ground.

Additionally, what's with the pearls? And the housewife dress? This person is definitely ill equipped for dancing, even if he/she is rockin' 4 legs. It is obvious that the circus official who created this character did so under the bizarre notion that old grannies sell and did not give any thought to the practicality of the idea.

And yeah, okay, I'll give them that the granny clown is definitely optimal to the typical drunk old man clown grabbing his balls while the makeup runs down his face. But is this really all they could come up with? Couldn't old granny be wearing something a little less homely, and dare I say maybe even a little risque? Now that would for sure draw a crowd. The little kiddies might not understand why they keep looking at her, but their parents will. Or at the very least, why does it have to be grandpa dressed up in grandmas clothes, instead of grandma dancing around in her own getup?

"Every Seat is so close it makes your pulse race!!"

Throw Me Away. I'm Used to It

I don't know about you, but when a company or organization tries to get me to take action by appealing to my guilt, I am immediately turned off. Take, for instance, this letter I received in the mail from SOS Children's Villages, asking me- no, scratch that- shaming me into donating.

Or at least attempting to, that is. I'm sorry to say this because after conducting further research into the non-profit, I found that SOS Children's Villages really does look like a legitimate and worthy place to support. But as soon as I saw the pitiful slogan, which was also printed outside of the envelope, the genuine emotion and compassion that I really do feel toward impoverished children became instantly overshadowed by the sense of amusement.

What's Wrong With This Promotion?

Does anything about this announcement for Harpoon Fest 2011 seem a little off to you? I'll give you a second to peruse the information, as it was published on the Harpoon Brewery website.