The Biscuit coffee shop on the corner of Washington and Beacon Streets in Somerville is one of my favorite cafes to spend time in. They have killer baked goods- always fresh-, excellent coffee drinks and really groovy music. In fact, I would almost venture to say they are a 10- nah, nobody is really a 10- okay, they are almost a 9.5 when 1 is intolerable and 10 perfection, but if I could magically take over the place and make some improvements, these are a few things I would change:
1) Free wi-fi or any wi-fi at all, for that matter.
It's impossible to even "borrow" someone else's network in The Biscuit, unless you happen to be in just the right spot at just the right occasion. The right spot is most likely to be at the left hand side table all the way in the back, right by the door to the porch. I have also heard a rumor you can sometimes achieve a connection sitting at a particular table while facing a particular direction and leaning in a particular angle directly on the deck. The right occasion occurs randomly by chance. But so many people frequent The Biscuit to enjoy a work or study session over coffee that one would think the owners would wise up to this profitable opportunity and open their wireless network to guests. Most other places do.
It really is rather peculiar they don't. Maybe they figure they already have enough business? They certainly have a line out the door regularly on mornings and weekends. But everyone wants more business.
I'm stumped. Or is it that they don't want to promote people loitering at their sparse selection of tables for too long, nursing a single cup of black coffee, house blend, over a span of a full day. Hmmm. We could sit here and speculate all day. I guess the natural thing to do in this situation would be to send them a Smiley and just ask. I will add that to my to do list. In the meantime, why do you think The Biscuit still has not offered free wireless internet access to their loyal customers?
2) Limited Availability of Seating.
The size of The Biscuit does add to the coziness, I'll admit. But there really are too few tables in the place and that is most unfortunate. There have been several times in my entire career as a customer of The Biscuit coffee shop in Somerville that I have actually made a point to walk an extra mile out of my way during hours when The Biscuit (from experience and regular observation) was likely to be filled to capacity, to go to a competing establishment that was statistically more likely to have an open chair.
3) The third thing I'd like to change about The Biscuit coffee shop is something that I realize could be just a personal annoyance and nothing close to a general consensus. The issue is also an insignificant one and does not affect The Biscuit's overall rating score for better or worse. But I could not pass down this lovely opportunity to rant about it regardless. So now that the disclaimers have been put on the table, I will draw your attention to The Biscuit's mysterious black hole.
Is it a real black hole, you ask? Yes. It is dark, moist and appears to be infinite, based on the sounds that emerge through its opening.
The black hole exists as an opening in the counter and the idea (which I learned naively through observation alone) is that customers are supposed to pour their excess liquid down the chute to make room for cream and sugar. Yeah, sounds reasonable, I know. Only there is no chute, or slide or anything else narrow to help the liquids go down to the large bucket that awaits it inside of the counter cabinet. So instead of the liquid being inconspicuously eased down the black hole to collect silently in the pail, it is poured into the darkness to make a sound all too similar to someone peeing in a Port-a-Potty.
And that gives me the heebie jeebies.
So much so, in fact, that a bit ago I decided to address the black hole by sending a Smiley to The Biscuit. I was hoping that if they answered some of my questions about it, I would understand it more and be less repelled. Unfortunately, my Smiley never received a response. But here is a copy of the note anyway:
If you could read crappy handwriting you would learn that the note says the following:
Dear The Biscuit,
I feel very uncomfortable every time I have to dump my coffee into the myseterious black hole leading to a bucket of liquid in order to make room for my cream and sugar. It also is a tad bit disgusting. Additionally, I'm curious what you would do if the bucket overflowed or maybe wasn't there at all- like if someone was cleaning it at the time? Do you have a plan of action set up?
Curious Customer,
Gunter Smiley
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